Unsettled and Upset

Last night was dreadful. I cried myself to sleep for the first time in months.
And I just woke up twenty minutes ago.

I was on the phone with Reagan last night, and over half the time he was either silent, or had passed the phone to a few of his buddies that were in his room of the barracks just chilling. As always I do my very best to be polite to them, even though I would really rather be talking to my own Marine... I mean I normally at least tell him to say hello to them for me so that I'm polite and will have some frame of reference with them when I go to visit in August... but last night there was more then usual.

The point is last night I was made horribly upset upon the thought that Reagan, doesn't really need me. When I was talking to him I asked if he should be getting to sleep (as it's two hours later for him) and he just sighed and was like "No, I HAVE to talk to you, I can't sleep yet." And when I said he didn't have to he just denied it and I just felt horrible and got the impression that he only called as some sort of obligation, and not because he genuinely wanted to talk to me.

This really upset me because things have been going so well between us but in the past couple of weeks he's sort of changed his mood and I just felt horrible that he may be starting to think of me as "just another thing on the TO DO list".

I had also asked if there was anything he would like me to send him, he isn't deployed right now but in the past he as always really enjoyed when I have baked something and mailed it, and he replied, "Well whatever. If you do, I'll eat it." Once again the tone was obligatory.

I suppose I should say that I'm rather used to him not being "deeply open" with me, or needing to "share" things with me, he is afterall that sort of "Man's Man" granted to some extent what Marine isn't? He claims that its because he's not used to having someone that is willling to care that much and won't judge him for opening up. However I think its starting to get to where that's not really the case. And now as of late I feel like he doesn't even need me for the little things, like even telling me what he did that day which always is of interest to me, and he's always said that he liked telling me about his day, even if he did just go get papers signed and had to check in at the Brig or whatever... He's resorted to "Eh, it was just work." or when I asked what he did today he takes a joking tone and says "I'm not at liberty to discuss that." which he may not be joking which would be okay if he couldn't, he should say that, but if that isn't true, he is just avoiding the subject.

I am almost certain something is wrong, cause he's clammed up so much lately and I am almost certain he's been drinking even more then usual and not doing so well kicking his smoking habit. (After four months of being clean he was smoking when he went home to Boston and like three cigars in the past like week.)

I guess I'm really hoping that he's just being prideful, or trying to keep me from worrying but I don't think he realizes that he's making me worry even more by not saying anything. I don't want to confront him about it just yet, that scares me.

But then again it could just be my own neuroses that are getting in the way and making me feel so insignificant, but the last thing I want to be with him is a convienent accessory, I'm doing my best to be a good girlfriend and work hard to see him, which if I scrape every penny I can barely afford it.

I just wish he would rely on me and have a need for me other then a sort of trophy prize to have on base... which is sort of what I feel like these days. I sort of hope it's just something bothering him... or... well I don't even want to consider worse then that, like earlier deployment orders that haven't been offically announced...

Anyway I just felt so bad last night and this morning so I just wanted to vent. Hopefully you all here and the girls in my support group will be of some comfort so I can worry less and get more sleep.

I'm going to go scrub the shower now... it will make me feel better I think. Cleaning usually does.