Tonight I went to lecture on identity with Kip Fulbeck as the keynote speaker. I will openly admit that while I enjoyed myself the emotions I were feeling were probably not ones that I should have been feeling but seeing him talk really made me want to put what I’ve been stuffing under the table for years to the forefront of my thoughts… and I’m putting it out there and I don’t care if it doesn’t make a lick and stick worth of sense, hey world, you’re getting it.Like I said they were of no surprise to me and I felt that after hearing such a moving speaker for our generation that now was the time to address my own issues with identity. His Hapa Project (http://www.seaweedproductions.com/hapa/) asks one question “What Are You?” And here’s my answer…
I am ashamed. There are days I can barely handle looking at myself in the mirror. I am white. I am embarrassed. I am jealous. I am so marginal so average and so wrong. I want to have pride in my identity but there can be no feeling in a neutral color. Everyone says race doesn’t matter, yet that is how we classify ourselves and much of our pride and self confidence comes from…. Even if we don’t want to admit it. My parents say that I am British… that I’m German… but I know I am American. I am the product of the dreamer, the tired and the hungry…but most of all I am lacking in identity. It is so wrong to take what is not mine. I selfishly take pride in my own boyfriend’s Chinese heritage. So much so that I don’t even take the respect to think of him as he wants to be known, Chinese American. His parents are Chinese… but he should be my patriot, my shining United States Marine… and yet deep down I only want to see Chinese.
I am awkward. I will never fit in where my personality wants to slip. I feel that I was unjustly placed in this skin, so fair, so pale… that CoverGirl Ivory 205. I want to scratch it off and I hope to see something darker underneath. I crave a rich culture, one with strong history, a tonal language, a sense of familial honor, duty… and a cultural iconic hero like Bruce Lee. If nothing else, for one day I want an Asian identity.
But here and now let’s face the truth of what I am. I am the she, who will wear her apron and pearls in the kitchen. I am she who is happy to darn your socks and bake you apple pie. I am she who will wait for him to come home. I am she who will iron the center crease in that uniform everyday. I am a patriotic face, because in these mere movements I can build an acceptable identity. I don’t want it, but at least it will bring temporary joy and a night when I can sleep.
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What a beautiful self-portrait. I do not pretend to understand all that you write. I can tell this is a tremendous time of growth for you. I'd like to protect you from all of the pain of that growth, but can't and really...shouldn't. Through this stretching you'll find your true self, and your rest. Blessings to you beautiful person.
ReplyDeleteSo totally had this amazing post that I was gunna comment but I accidentally closed the tab. So take two.
ReplyDeleteI have worked a lot with White people who feel that they have no identity and no culture. What is interesting is the fact that "The Melting Pot" led to this. They meant to create a nation where everyone could be incorporated into one unified nation. But people of color were never intended and never incorporated into this melting pot. We were to Different. That is why we have held onto our heritage and still do so now.
You should never be ashamed because you are white. Even though White history in the United States has been really racist. You just have to take responsibility in your actions and be conscious of what you say. You were not those committing racist acts back when Slavery was happening. You just have to examine your actions and make sure you are not portraying ideas and actions of white supremacy in a sense (believing your "Race" is better than any other is the basic def for that). If you can sit there and be like, wow what he said was really racist, or very sexist. You have come farther than most people. Be proud of that.
You told me how you wished you were asian, and I can understand that. But you also have to take in consideration the SHIT we go through. I have been on the end of Racism, oppression, discrimination, you name it. And it has WORN me out. I have cried, gotten angry and just wanted to leave everything because of it.
Experiences I go through as being Japanese and multiracial is the fact that I will never fully be accepted here in the states and in Japan. I will ALWAYS be seen as a gaijin and that kills me and hurts my mother because she knows that my family in Japan, my own flesh and blood, will never truly accept me because I am not fully one of them. I can't win. There is a cost for being a person of color. We are seen as different and very very oppressed. Just understand that, because I know a lot of people who do not see that. We might have culture, we might know who we are (Well to an extent). But we are this way because society made it this way because we can never be "Truely American." They have pushed and criticized us.
Lindsey, you are a beautiful person with a great head on your shoulders. I would not associate with you if you were just another ignorant white person (because I do not associate with people who constantly push people of color down and disregard their experiences).
*HUGS!!!! Just some quick insight.
@ Debra: Thank you for your undaying support as always.
ReplyDelete@Asuka: I am aware of how harsh the world treats race... and it's not like anyone wants that negative attention. I just feel that as being white I take on this idea of what suffering is and as a white I never have to face it. I am ashamed because all of my problems become so petty in regards to ones you deal with everyday and for once I'd like to know just how the otherside feels because I am so saddened to say that I DON't REALLY know how it feels and as someone who has a real want for knowledge and I just want to help others and make them happy it frsutrates me that no matter how many people I talk to I will NEVER know the feelings of the individuals of other races and what multi-racial people go through everyday....
If that makes sense I hope that clears up things a tiny bit.
That is not a bad thing at all. At least you want to know what we go through, most white people don't even care about our experiences. But i voice my discomfort with this world enough in hopes that people like who want knowledge can get an insight to it, share my pain in a sense. And you have been there for me through so much and have listened to my ranting without criticizing and I am grateful for that.
ReplyDeleteYou at least understand that we are treated a lot worse than other white people and it is because of race. Most White people believe it is because we are "asking" for it or that stereotypes are "real" and that it is ok to treat people like shite (When they are not real and discrimination will always be wrong).
Thank you again, keep your head up. LOVES!!!
~Asuka