What Are You?

Tonight I went to lecture on identity with Kip Fulbeck as the keynote speaker. I will openly admit that while I enjoyed myself the emotions I were feeling were probably not ones that I should have been feeling but seeing him talk really made me want to put what I’ve been stuffing under the table for years to the forefront of my thoughts… and I’m putting it out there and I don’t care if it doesn’t make a lick and stick worth of sense, hey world, you’re getting it.

Like I said they were of no surprise to me and I felt that after hearing such a moving speaker for our generation that now was the time to address my own issues with identity. His Hapa Project (http://www.seaweedproductions.com/hapa/) asks one question “What Are You?” And here’s my answer…

I am ashamed. There are days I can barely handle looking at myself in the mirror. I am white. I am embarrassed. I am jealous. I am so marginal so average and so wrong. I want to have pride in my identity but there can be no feeling in a neutral color. Everyone says race doesn’t matter, yet that is how we classify ourselves and much of our pride and self confidence comes from…. Even if we don’t want to admit it. My parents say that I am British… that I’m German… but I know I am American. I am the product of the dreamer, the tired and the hungry…but most of all I am lacking in identity. It is so wrong to take what is not mine. I selfishly take pride in my own boyfriend’s Chinese heritage. So much so that I don’t even take the respect to think of him as he wants to be known, Chinese American. His parents are Chinese… but he should be my patriot, my shining United States Marine… and yet deep down I only want to see Chinese.

I am awkward. I will never fit in where my personality wants to slip. I feel that I was unjustly placed in this skin, so fair, so pale… that CoverGirl Ivory 205. I want to scratch it off and I hope to see something darker underneath. I crave a rich culture, one with strong history, a tonal language, a sense of familial honor, duty… and a cultural iconic hero like Bruce Lee. If nothing else, for one day I want an Asian identity.

But here and now let’s face the truth of what I am. I am the she, who will wear her apron and pearls in the kitchen. I am she who is happy to darn your socks and bake you apple pie. I am she who will wait for him to come home. I am she who will iron the center crease in that uniform everyday. I am a patriotic face, because in these mere movements I can build an acceptable identity. I don’t want it, but at least it will bring temporary joy and a night when I can sleep.

Taking a Minute...

I have about five to ten minutes before I head to the gym for my daily stress buster with Sakiko, Tomoko, Mai and Sydney. It is the one hour of my day where I flat out refuse to think about anything but my exercise!! It is keeping me in better shape! Since the beginning of the semester I have lost nearly two kilograms! YAY!

Life is continuing to be difficult... I just barely got a C on my Japanese midterm... this year's grammer is just killing me! But I think once I turn in my paper for composition at the end of next week I can focus on the next big things... the USMC Ball and saving money for Japan. I get paid this Friday THANK GOD...

I mailed Reagan a cheer up package today because he got beaten in the Book Board (for promotion) by a guy who doesn't do like anything... and even if he won't admit it he really wanted to be all showy offy at the Ball with his new rank and me.... I positive that he at least partilly wanted to have it for my sake.... he's so wonderful to me.

Also his Christmas present came from Hong Kong today. I ordered his favorite Chinese Cop Drama films in a special edition boxed set... I had to get them from Asia directly because nowhere in the US had the box set...

Anyway... gotta go to the gym

Toodles....

If That Doesn't Kill Me...

Then who knows what will.

This weekend was really hard for me. A lot of days have been hard lately. I find myself having to yank harder at my motivation to get me out of bed each day. I don't know what it is... maybe I've taken on too much or maybe I lack motivation because I'm not doing enough to keep me busy enough that I don't notice... or I just don't see the point in prioritizing anymore.

I'm getting sick of all the negetive energy surrounding me there are a couple of people in particular that are partially the cause. And I don't mean just meantally sick most likely physically sick as well. I've had a cough that's hung in there till nearly week four. I'm really hoping its not the stress related sore throat that I had in high school. My stomach seems to be on the fritz as well... woo hoo. And to top it off... I burnt myself on Sunday.

But back to this weekend. It was so rough that I ended up cleaning my entire dorm room. Top to bottom side to side... I even cleaned up Chelsea's half... I scrubbed and wiped and washed and dusted... and after all that I still felt miserable and had myself a good ol' fashioned cry... you know the ugly kind with a runny nose and everything.

I'm doing my best to keep my spirits up. And Reagan is helping a little bit but it doesn't help that I talk to him and miss him and can't fall asleep easily without him anymore... I knew men were more trouble then they are worth! But I picked up my dress... the pics are on Facebook in a limited group so Reagan can't see it. I want it to be a total suprise. I'm worried about him getting his Blues though... procrastinatin....

Today he called me mid day and asked if I wanted a bunny. His friends breeds them and Reagan thought it would be a good idea to get me one for my Birthday... silly man... he was like... you could keep it at your friend's house... riiight...

But school is just frustrating... mostly my Composition class.... it takes my nerves and smashes them to a pulp... I just don't understand that class. I wrote my papers in the dark... I got a B+ but still... and it just isn't interesting to me... but I meet with my advisor soon for registration so maybe that will be nice.

I'm also worried about study abroad... it looks like I will either have to work extra... break up or at least go on hiatus with Reagan (so I don't spend the money it takes to visit) or I just can't go... because I don't want my parents to pay for EVERYTHING...

But whatever enough of that... I need to just go sleep...

What's Shakin Bacon?!

Okay so here is the deal! Life has beenmovingatarecordpaceandIjustacan'tseemto S-L-O-W I-T DOOOOOOWWWNNN!!!!!

But some good things and some updates for I think the maybe ten of you that read this...


1.I am at home this weekend... glad to have a little less stress. I went shopping with my mom today and I was SUPER thankful for all the new things she bought for me I wanted to cry. I got a new pair of jeans and a pleated skirt from Goodwill, a couple of new everyday naughties from Victoria's Secret, and two new shirts, two pairs of leggings and some socks from JC Penny's! And I got to spend some quality time with my mom which I really miss.


The things I still need to do at home are:
Make cupcakes for J-Drama tomorrow night
Finish my laundry
Make a care package
Work on my kanji journal
Research for my Japanese and maybe my Composition Paper (@o@)


2. Also while we were out today we bought some little things for my host sister Manami who is currently studying in Nevada right now. It's been a really hard term for her and I want to make her feel a little better so I got her some good Dove chocolates, a cute shirt with crowns and dots on it and a nice "thinking of you card" which I am about to write an note in Japanese in for her! I still hope she can come to visit me at Christmas break even if only for a few days but we will see.


3. Reagan has ventured to Myrtle Beach this weekend.... I will miss skyping him... unless he took his laptop which I doubt. He's supposed to be the "chaperone" while his buddies pick up girls... he doesn't like to do that or encourage their habits but there isn't really anything he can do so I feel bad cause he sorta has to sit out... but he says he doesn't mind because those girls are a dime a dozen... I on the other hand am not! :)


4. Which I also wanna thank Reagan from the bottom of my heart for putting up with my bad days... like Thursday night when I cried for literally an hour and told him all about my problems and how much I hate certain personality traits that cause me to spread myself too thin. He's such a wonderful man! I'm so glad to be in love with him!

5. I got paid Friday... yeah... so I made a payment on my glasses to my mom, and have the money for my dress (which I'm going to pick up on TUESDAY!!!) and for my credit card bill and I have half of my ticket money to paypal to ya Phen! (Sorry I had an expense that was larger then I was expecting)

6. I wanna thank Sydney for taking the exchange students to the airport!! I sooo owe you for it! Would you like IHOP or a manicure?????

PS: THE SHOE BLOG IS GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT TILL NOVEMBER... but you will get some SUPER exciting shoes that way!!! (The ball and a trip to Grand Cayman Island in the Carribbean!)

It's Been Awhile

So it's been awhile since I've posted and this will be short and sweet.I went to Denver with the Japanese students yesterday! It was super fun but exhausting and only one of them bought a winter coat... but we will get ones for the rest!

1. I'm super worried about my finances. I just booked my tickets to see Reagan next month for the ball and here's what my bills are looking like.
Credit Card Bill: $81.00
Payment for my Ball Gown: $69.65
Alterations for my Ball Gown: $20.00 at least
Airline Tickets: $260.36
Remainder to pay for Glasses: $100.00
TXTING: $20.00
Dir en Grey Concert Tickets: $37... or was it $32.50... well its close to that
Reagan's Christmas Gift: $50-55.00
General Living Expenses: $50.00
FOR AN ESTIMATED GRAND TOTAL of $683.51YIKES!!!!! Because I only get roughly $236.00 every two weeks when I get paid. And currently there is about $115.00 in my bank account period. Needless to say I can't get out of the hole any time soon.

2. ALSO, I miss Reagan... and it upsets me a lot because I know I bother people by talking about him like ALL the time it seems like. But he's my number one man... so he's almost as important as my father.... but he's been really short with me lately I think because I've been so busy but the truth is one of the main reasons I'm working myself into exhaustion is because I miss him so badly that if I'm not busy I will just get depressed. And its sometimes worse when I Skype or talk to him on the phone. So its like I want to talk with him as much as possible but at the same time avoid him so I don't miss him so bitterly. But I haven't told him that because I'm already weak enough... Does that make sense? At least I get to see him next month....

3. Well school is really keeping me busy I'm finding it difficult to keep up at times... but I will just keep working till I get it...

4. I'm having some friend problems too... I just get sick of the way they treat me sometimes....Toodles...