We Can Make It Through!

Gotta love that Arashi song, mostly cause the video is hilarious but anyway!

So the news, it's official I am going to North Carolina for a week or two this summer! I'm soo excited I can't wait to see Reagan again! I miss him so much! And it will be fun to meet all his buddies, cause he talks or rather bitches about them all the time, that and it will be my first time going to the East Coast!!! (>w<) I hopefully can convince him to drive me to Duke so I can see my friend Dovina while she is doing a summer reasearch project there.

In other news... I registered for classes last week and here are the results

Monday:
1200-1250: Survey of British Literature
1300-1350: Japanese Year II
1400-1450: Introduction to American Literature
1500-1550: 300 Level Composition: Writing Arguments

Tuesday:
1300-1350: Japanese Year II

Wendsday:
1200-1250: Survey of British Literature
1300-1350: Japanese Year II
1400-1450: Introduction to American Literature
1500-1550: 300 Level Composition: Writing Arguments

Thursday:
1300-1350: Japanese Year II

Friday:
1200-1250: Survey of British Literature
1300-1350: Japanese Year II
1400-1450: Introduction to American Literature
1500-1550: 300 Level Composition: Writing Arguments

My schedule is like exactly the same, lulz but no need to worry about that now... Thankfully I only have to keep it together for three more weeks then I'm free!!!!!!

The space between YOU and ME

TO: YOU

"I worry."

That's two words. I wish YOU would say more on that. Elaboration is... essential. What is the context and source of this "worry", what are YOU worrying about?

It tells ME nothing, are you worried about something small like apricots, how old those Chinese leftovers are, or are YOU worrying about something bigger, orders, insecurities, about ME and what I do, or someone else, or even for YOU? My list could go on for days.

YOU said YOU didn't know what to say and YOU didn't know what YOU were feeling, but what's more frustrating was your hesitation to try and communicate what was going on in that head of yours. It was ME that painfully yanked the meager morsels out of YOU. I wish I didn't have to do that.

YOU said, "If YOU were here it would be easier for ME to say." What difference does that make, sure YOU can look at ME but the same words, in the same tones I know so well are going to come out aren't they? And despite how this distance makes ME practially curl up in agony at night I know that it's better to have agony then not have YOU at all. So I just want YOU to be honest and brave for ME, just like I know YOU are.

I am frustrated that YOU hesitate to even say something. Just say something, it may sound wrong, or insane or just plain, made no sense, but at least YOU said something. You're still bothered by what ever it is, I can tell and that's got me bothered.

And so, YOU are one bothered, and ME, I am the other bothered....And two bothers is just another bother, when WE shouldn't have to be bothered at all.

Love,
ME

Quickly!

So it's friggin Monday again... Lord how I hate the first day of the week! It drives me totally nuts! But anyway quick blog that is really just rambling if you wanna read about it.

-I'm working three shifts of work today, the next one starting in roughly 25 minutes. Go me and needing money and subbing for people.

-These past couple weeks I've suddenly done a lot of spontaneous and some stupid things. Like, donating 60 dollars to child cancer research, and shopping (niether of which I can afford at the moment) dye my hair, fall down stairs, and tell my mother about Reagan. Not to mention just put off my homework till I have a pile of it, which is now staring me in the face. Don't ask me why I've been doing these things cause I can't friggin tell you!

-I'm totally afraid that I'm about to tumble down the slippery slope. I'm so tired these days that I can barely stand and my Genetics grade is going to be the death of me, how is it that I study and the the worst grade I've had all term.

-I'm frustrated about Japanese. I didn't like the way my presentation went. XP and now in trying to find an oral interview partner I'm being left behind again, I really want to do well on this however chances are I will end up with a bum partner again... but really nothing I can do about it I guess, still its frustrating.

-Spring is flying by so fast that it's scaring me, and I still don't have summer jobs held down, which is driving me up a wall, cause I need to have the money so I can do things, like travel to the East Coast to see Reagan, that means a lot to me right now. And I'm frustrated for putting in all the hard work to like apply and such and then places are like "We don't need people anymore" or "I'm sorry we lost the application you hand delivered to us.".

-I still feel like a bad girlfriend. I made some brownies for Reagan this week, and they tasted very good, I just hope they will get to him before his duty tomorrow and that he will like what I wrote in the letter as well. But I feel bad because I can't really do anything that shows how much I care about him and that I want to put a lot of effort into this relationship but at the same time I'm not willing to sacrifice anything on my own schedule. He says he's okay with the fact that if it has to be him travelling to see me again, then that's how it will be, but that's not okay with me, one because I don't want him spending another small fortune to spend a few hectic days with me where half the time I will be working, that's not fair to him. That probably sounds petty but I guess I'm just trying to have my cake and eat it too.

*sighs* Okay so I'm now ending this shitty Monday rant, and oddly I feel just a bit better, but not too much.

FYI: Here's the new do.

Easter... for Takeout!

So today I got a box from my Mom for Easter and it had many a cute thing in it, as well as my bloomers which I left at home last time! YAY! So now I have proper undergarments again! I can walk in the wind without fear! I miss my mother but I feel better when I get a box from her, cause everything in it smells like home as weird as that sounds.

So here is the fruits of the package and my outfit for today and Phen thank you for telling me I look sunny! I needed it today, even though it probably didn't show.

So lately I've been bumming pretty hard because things are constantly building and I'm stressing like no other. Also I've had this overwhelming lack of motivation I just can't see why I'm doing what I'm doing when I wake up some days. I'm like... why am I even doing this I don't even really want to! Please let me roll over, open my eyes and I will be a housewife, and not an English student.I can't decide why I'm thinking this way because I really am passionate about English and teaching abroad and travelling to Japan, not as much as I am interested in some sciences like fertility and development and then forensic science, but my love of language is still a passion.I just hate being weighed down by all the assessments and extra STUFF we have to do for all of our classes, it's really got me down.

*sigh* I also am really missing Reagan, like everyday, and I'm so thankful that he is willing to sacrifice his few precious hours of sleep so that he can listen to me whine (cause that's really what I'm doing) and chatter with no real importance. His phone calls are what keep me going this past week or so, I just tell myself "If I can make it to tonight I can tell Reagan everything." I don't want to take him for granted I'm just not sure how I can repay him. He says he loves it when I just talk to him.... but for some reason I don't fully believe him, but maybe I'm just not used to a man actually truely caring like he possibly does.

Along that same line there has been talk of him making a return visit in May and I think that would be just lovely because the weather will be nice and I will get to see him again, but at the same time I'm so upset because he will have flown out twice and the SOONEST I will be able to afford to fly and see him is in August, which I hate, cause I feel like I'm not equally contributing.

Granted I feel worse when he threatens to just buy me a ticket to North Carolina and send it to me.

And also cause I'm missing Reagan.... another picture this time with the bear he gave me while he was here... but somehow he doesn't quite replace the real thing!