WARNING: POST AS SOME SERIOUS THINGS TO DISCUSS ONLY READ AND COMMENT IF TRUELY CONCERNED!
Well the New Year certainly pulled the rug from under me and landed me flat on my backside. Well more accurately it snuck up on me during a game of dominos at my grandparents’ house. No parties, no fireworks, no midnight kiss, not even champagne… but for some reason that’s okay with me.
Well the New Year certainly pulled the rug from under me and landed me flat on my backside. Well more accurately it snuck up on me during a game of dominos at my grandparents’ house. No parties, no fireworks, no midnight kiss, not even champagne… but for some reason that’s okay with me.
As I mentioned previously I knew the holidays were going to be rough time since Reagan is Lord knows where at the moment. He’s been gone for just barely two weeks and I already want to yank my hair out, not talking to the current love of my shortish life! But seriously I can’t decide if all in all Reagan has been better for me… okay don’t take it like that, I love him dearly and couldn’t imagine losing him by fate or by choice, but he is part of what leads me into my next predicament.
After much thinking and some research I think that I may have a mild or moderate form of depression. At first I thought I was overreacting but after keeping tabs on myself for several months (since the summer) I am more convinced that there is something wrong…. I can’t help but always feel moody, lethargic, lonely, lacking an appetite, easily annoyed and most frighteningly unmotivated. The biggest issue I think is though I’m still clinging to those thoughts of my appearance and my confidence with regards to it, I don’t think it’s appropriate to lay out here but I think that is the underlying cause, which is partially where Reagan comes in. I’ve also been sleeping way more then I should be. I’m getting paler and paler and my mother thinks I might be slightly anemic so it’s time to go to the doctor to get it checked out; but I think I WILL go to the Counseling Center when I get back to school, because I’d rather not have my mother butting her nose into EVERYTHING in my life… sometimes she thinks she’s helping and to be honest it’s just a frustration and a hindrance. That and I need to get this sorted out; if it’s serious I want to beat it head on!
And why bring Reagan into this… well I don’t really want to talk to him and worry him about it… I mean on one hand I adore him and he is making me more confident but at the same time he also adds a lot of anxiety to my life and I am still really struggling with a lot of physical insecurities and I just want to step back and slow down with him a little bit… I hate to do that but I know it’s something that even though I don’t want to, until I can get my mental state figured out I think I need to do this. Don’t get me wrong! That doesn’t mean I’ll be giving up my cozy warm spot next to him in bed at night, OH NO! That cuddle time is all mine! It just means more outside the sheets, clothes on kind of quality time.
If not only for him but for my family and my dearest friends who begin to feel more like family everyday but in large part for him I need to be a stronger woman, I am embarrassed to be laying with him or sitting in the car with him and bursting into tears because of some compliment or question that he makes, that in some twisted way that is NOT his fault makes me feel insecure, want to cover myself and not let him touch me. It isn’t fair for him, because he really is such a great man!! And I just can’t stand it anymore, I’m sick of being weak. I’ve pushed my mental problems down for too long and I think its finally taking its toll… so I’m going to fight this… I have to.
And now for something entirely different... that won't make you want to shoot yourself in the foot... my new man... or bunny! His name is Labbit!
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Yea for You! Knowing when you need or want help and asking for it! I learned so many valuable lessons from my time with Dr. Levy! I'll never regret a penny that I paid him or the time and work that went into learning how to unleash those demons that plauged me. I'll pray that the counseling center has just the right person to work with you. Together you will continue to learn and grow and be an even happier, healthier you. By the way, I think a yearly checkup with your physician is always a good idea. I just had mine and am relieved to know I'll be around to pester my darling daughter for another year! Tee-hee! Blessings dear LDP.
ReplyDeleteI know this feeling all to well. I have had years of depression so I know what a person goes through, it is hard and it hurts. And Lately I have been the same, mine just stems from not really eating and I just don't feel like being around people even though I miss their guts. So if you need to talk, you know I am always here.
ReplyDeleteAnd I can understand to an extent what you r feeling with Reagan when it comes to the part that you are worried about him because you have no idea where or what he is doing. My brother in law died while he was in the Navy (not in Iraq, though my sister-in-law's family was never really told how he died) and now my brother is enlisted in the army and ships out the 23rd of January and I am freaking out! I havn't talked to anyone about it really, just a bit to my sister-in-law, but still he was my emotional support and closest sibling and I am just worried.
It's hard to be strong when sometimes you just feel like breaking down. But do know that your strength will be transferred to Reagan wherever he is, that is what I believe. A few weeks ago I felt the same way about carl, we almost had a night where we were going to split because I felt that 'don't touch me, dont do anything with me' feeling because I didn't feel strong enough and suited enough for him.
I can understand half of where you are coming from, but you know I am willing to listen and give my insight if you need it dear.
Miss you!
~Asuka