Tossing and Turning

Once again yesterday night was a bad night... a bad bad one. I had a wonderful time out with everyone (Danielle, Andrew, Daniel, Kaylee, Arlet) at J-drama night, but when I got back and I did some homework for my Composition class that was soo hard I wanted to cry I skyped Reagan and instead of talking to him and making us both happy I ended up sobbing via webcam and just making Reagan sit quietly because he couldn't do anything.

I hate doing that to him because I'm soo certain that when I cry he's worried he did something wrong... like the first time I cried in front of him and then when I was visiting in August I had a bit of a break down because of a little comment he made about my appearence ( the little mole on my left cheek) where I got soo self concious I actually hit his hand away and wouldn't let him touch me. I think it really freaks him out that I'm not totally 100% emotionally stable and he's not sure what to say or do... I just don't want him to start hating me for it, I'm trying to be a stronger person for him and for myself... I am!

But back to the point... I was soo upset last night because university is really wearing on me... between my finances, my job, my schoolwork and trying to be a better more confident person and the perfect girlfriend I'm just feeling like I'm falling seriously behind. I'm sliding down an muddy hill and its raining... It is scaring me. For instance I can't seem to grasp things in my composition class. Today in Japanese for the life of me I couldn't figure out what was going on and then my anxiety for this cultural project (which is a little at ease... the guys actually seem like they want to apply themselves... so it may work) and my composition paper due next week... among everything else I just broke under the weight last night.

Quite honestly I don't even know why I'm going to college for a degree, I mean I don't really want it. I love to learn and I love Japanese its soo interesting but all this extra work... and for what so I can teach for like three to five years and then become a housewife. That is what I WANT, I just want to make a perfect little home for my husband and my family and take pride in my sewing and in my ironing and my cleaning and my home and my cooking. That's all I want but I have to be realistic and it makes me so upset sometimes... its like... why should I even bother.... because my dream is no longer truely socially acceptable.